Estimated reading time: 2 minutes
Mary slept like a log, and after 12 hours, I decided to turn on the heat, since the house was 61 degrees and my bathrobe wasn’t keeping me warm! I changed into jeans. Finally, at 8:20 am, she woke up and came into the office just as I was heading to the thermostat. I offered to make her coffee, and it was so cold, I cupped my hands over the Keurig coffee containers as soon as it came out of the machine!
The Great Fruitcake Heist of 2026 Just Occurred!
As the coffee was being brewed, I decided to sneak a piece of the fruit cake we bought each other for Christmas. I could not believe it was almost empty! An investigation will be started as soon as I warm up—right after I finish eating this very small piece and cover my tracks with strategic crumb placement.
I analyzed the potential suspects! My spouse, probably. Or possibly a very determined squirrel who has developed a taste for dried fruit and has been casing our kitchen. The squirrel theory is looking less likely given the surgical precision of the cuts and the complete absence of tiny paw prints.
EVIDENCE GATHERED SO FAR:
- One nearly-empty cake tin
- Suspicious chocolate smudge on kitchen counter (NOT MINE)
- Crumbs leading directly away from the crime scene
- Mary’s highly suspicious innocence
NEXT STEPS:
- Finish coffee
- Thaw out
- Casually ask “Who ate the cake?” in a tone that suggests I definitely didn’t just eat some
- Point fingers preemptively
- Hide the remaining cake in a better spot before Mary finds it
I regret nothing.
Who doesn’t like fruitcake? We may adopt these little fellas!
