Sayings Are Sayings

• Lists Of Lists
• Twenty-Nine One Liners
• Age, It Changes Things
• On Aging; No Big Thing!
• Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
• Comparisons
• Male Responses Explained
• You Know You Are Getting Older When...
• Great Engineering Conversions
• Getting Old Is Tough
• Home Remedies
• Iron Man Competition
• Laws We Live By
• Life's Little Lessons
• Little Stories For A Chuckle
• Lovemaking
• Messages From Pesky Answering Machines
• Office Signs
• Redneck Checklist
• Report Cards and Police Comments
• Keeping Your Sanity
• Sayings And Some Word Humor
• World's Shorest Books
• Terms
• Reasons That Walking Is Good For You

1. I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt
2. Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
3. The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns
4. Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
5. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
6. What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce. - Mark Twain
7. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
8. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marxv
9. My wife has a slight impediment in her speech; Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
10. The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper
11. I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
12. Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine
13. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain
14. My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol
15. Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
16. Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was Shut Up. - Joe Namath
17. Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith
18. I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
19. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - WC. Fields
20. We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
21. Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
22. Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller

Word Humor

1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
2. A backward poet writes inverse.
3. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
4. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
5. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
6. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
7. A woman needs a lover just to break the monogamy.
8. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
9. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
11. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
12. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
13. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
14. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
15. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
16. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
17. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
18. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
20. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
21. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
22. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
23. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
24. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
25. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
26. Every calendar's days are numbered.
27. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
28. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
29. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
30. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
31. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
32. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
33. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
34. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
35. Acupuncture is a jab well done.