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Old Ranch Country Club Has Certain Rules

Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.

Laws And Other Thoughts About Golf

The Laws That Control Golf

Law 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This Law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

Law 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

Law 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

Law 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a Law of the universe and should be cut down.

Law 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

Law 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

Law 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

Law 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

Law 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

Law 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

Law 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

Law 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

Law 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

Law 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

Law 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

Law 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

Law 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

Law 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

Law 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

Law 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

Why Golf??

Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? These truisms may shed light on reasons why.

Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.

Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.

Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.

Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.

Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play.

Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.

Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.

Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.

When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them up.

The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two.

You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost around $300 or more.

You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. I brought a Coke into Oriole Park at Camden Yards last year, and an usher came to my seat and told me I had to dispose of it, or I would not be allowed to stay in the stadium.

In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (. 300 batting average) do.

Golf doesn't change its rules to attract Fans.

Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.

Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.

Golf doesn't have free agency.

In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."

You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.

Ladies are welcome players.

At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.

Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a baseball.

Golf Courses don't ruin the neighborhood.

This is a slice of golf history I thought you might enjoy. I never Knew: Why there were 18 holes before this....

Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10 or an even dozen? How many of you golfers know the answer to this one?

During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.

Now you know.

The Swing

he golf swing rules