1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?

3.If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4.If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6.Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10.Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11.Why is it called "after dark" when it is really "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15.Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16.If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17.If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18.If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19.If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20.Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23.How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26.Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one

Still trying to get my head around the fact that ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.

Threw out my back sleeping and tweaked my neck sneezing so I’m probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers: If you do find one, what’s your plan?

The older I get, the more I understand why roosters scream to start their day.

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the ‘cool table’ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen.’

How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, when…the rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two years, and…the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all lives over 200 years. So, rest, chill, eat, drink, and enjoy life!

I too was once a male trapped in a female body…but then my mother gave birth.

If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, “Possibly, but I wouldn’t count on it."

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.”

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to respond "CLOSE ENOUGH."

Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.

If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.

You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means knowing someone who can drive at night.

Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.

Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version; it doesn’t listen to anything.

I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad,’ and I know darn well that Dad has no idea what’s inside.

Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly…next week…Turn Signals.

Someone said, “Nothing rhymes with orange.” I said, “No, it doesn’t.”

The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.

I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.

My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

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