I miss the halcyon days of my childhood when I didn’t have to worry about the pressures of adult life. Natural Laws... 1 . Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. 2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the garage. 3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers. 5. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. 6. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring and your phone is in another room. 7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!! AND Visa versa! 9. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 10 . Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are real complainers. 11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 13. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug. 14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about. 15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly. 16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET! 17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it or possibly it will be replaced by the more expensive “NEW & IMPROVED” model. 18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there, you'll feel better. If you decide NOT to make an appointment, you'll stay sick. 19. The Law of Television Entertainment -As soon as you find a television program that you really like, it will be cancelled. Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday. And believe me, that’s a lot of coloring. What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either. I tried donating blood today…NEVER AGAIN! Too many stupid questions: Who’s blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket? When I offer to wash your back in the shower, all you have to say is ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Not all this “Who are you and how did you get in here?” nonsense. Today, I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it. It took a lot longer than I thought it would. Struggling to get your wife’s attention? Just sit down and look comfortable. Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time. I grew up with Bob Hope, Steve Jobs, and Johnny Cash. Now there’s no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please don’t let anything happen to Kevin Bacon. Shoutout to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but can’t remember the password they created yesterday. You are my people. One minute you’re young and fun. And next, you’re turning down the stereo in your car to see better. Think you’re old and you will be old. Think you are young, and you will be delusional. There’s nothing scarier than that split second when you lose your balance in the shower and you think, “They are going to find me naked.” Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave—I say I’m having a very good day.